Archive for the 'Superheroes' Category

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Life Lessons: Superheroes

There is a fine line between a superhero and a man in tights who likes to sit on rooftops and watch people.

Maybe it’s the cape.

Somewhat Super

In response to a letter I had sent him, a friend of mine emailed me the following:

How’s the weather out there? What exactly are you learning during this ‘training’ period? Are you learning how to build a nuclear bomb from silicone? Really?

Now, this was an odd series of questions, to say the least. I responded in kind:

Ok, you got me. We’re building bombs. Not out of silicone – which is used as a sealant, for firestops (whatever those are), and certain types of -ahem- implants. I think you were referring to silicon – without the ‘e’, which is used in making computer chips. But we don’t use those to make bombs either.

In any case, the training is going just fine, except for the interesting effects of prolonged radiation exposure. I now lack eyebrows, but have developed some interesting powers. I can
now detect mimes at a distance of 100 kilometers and I read people’s minds, but only in haiku form. It’s a interesting talent, that last one. Often when I try to use it on women, I get something like the following:

Creepy guy staring
Really have to go get a
Restraining order.

And sometimes, it’s hard to understand what they’re saying, so I get things like this:

My thoughts don’t always
Make sense or flow together.
Cauliflower duck.

There are some questions better left unasked.

Back, and better than ever!

Any Superman fans out there?
So do you remember how he died, then was gone for a while, then came back, only more powerful than before? Well, the same sort of thing has happened to me. only I don’t wear tights. Not in public, anway.
But I am more powerful than before. Scary, isn’t it?

In any case, I’ve been a busy bee. First of all, as you can see below, I’ve migrated all of the old posts from the xanga site to here, right down to the comments. Everything you need should be available through this domain, so to those of you with blogs, change your links. So what have I been up to, you ask? Well, quite a bit, as I will likely discuss in future posts.

Let’s see…so I’m back in Ithaca, and surprisingly happy about it. Aside from taking a class, I’m working on a super-cool project in Human-Computer Interaction group at cornell. (Take a sec to look at their logo. Yes, it is a little stick figure with a squiggly line to a box, presumably representing a high-tech computer. Apparently, not only is the Information Science department on the cutting edge in HCI, but also in squiggly-line development technologies. My theory is that at some point they needed a logo, and someone drew out this one, likely on a napkin. And then they forgot about it. Silly researchers.) We’re developing a nifty little system to help directionally impaired people such as myself find their way around Cornell’s sprawling rural campus. I do not know how to tell if a campus is sprawling or not, but Cornell’s campus definitely sprawls. It sprawls the begeezus out of Columbia’s campus. The system, using GPS and wireless technology, will show a person using a palm computer or a smart phone where he/she is on a campus map. In addition, it will direct users to “hidden collections,” such as the kinematic model collection or the brains collection. Supposedly, the brains collection, a set of (disembodied) human brains, are the possession of the Department of Psychology, though I was under the impression that psychologists studied living brains. If my suspicions are correct, the brains really belong to Cornell’s Department of Necromancy and Zombie-Related Activity (NeZRAc), but let’s just keep that between you and me.

So I think that brings you up to date, with the big things at least. I’ll give you some of the little things here and there, which much more regularity than once every four months. Oh, and one more thing. If you haven’t yet noticed, I’ve started a second blog, one which will be for more serious stuff – my musings (some Jewish, some not) and maybe a bit of poetry. I have a couple of poems up there, but look for a real introductory post there in the nearish future.

Before I sign off, in the interest of full discretion, I should make a few rather important clarifications. I intentionally do not follow the style of many bloggers, who frequently link to humorous or interesting pieces scattered throughout the web and in other blogs. For the time being, at least, I have dedicated myself to bringing you a set of somewhat more original humor than your average blog. Which is not to say that I don’t occansionally borrow other writers’ styles, but that’s an altogether more acceptable and clever form of plagiarism. And being clever is what counts. But the material on this site is original, to the benefit of both the reader and my ego. Which brings me to my next point.

This blog, this whole hours-consuming enterprise, is merely an elaborate attempt to boost my ego. As the third of three children, as the kid picked last in gym, as the kid who (no kidding) was fed worms and put in the dryer by his older siblings, it’s time to fight back aginst a world which has ignored me and all it has to offer me for too long. I am self-possessed, hear me roar!
This blog is for my ego. That is its purpose. The more people read it, the better I feel about myself. I suspect that this is true of many blogs out there, but I am coming out and saying it. You, my readers, are here for my amusement, for my enjoyment. Dance, monkeys, dance!

Ah, this is the life.
If only these tights didn’t chafe so much.