So… I’ve moved into my apartment and things are starting to calm down (see the response to Lauren’s question below for more info on that) and to make up for missing the last few Thursdays, I am going to answer every single question I’ve received to date. Granted, that’s only eleven questions, but that’s all I got. Hmmm…perhaps it would be more impressive if I said I’m going to answer every single question while submerged upside-down in a 200-gallon tank of water. You can’t see me right now, so let’s assume I’m bubbling away here, answering in my own damp fashion1. Ok, so here we go:
Answertron 3042: Because I said so. Kids? Kids? Stop fighting back there, or no porridge for a wee- Ow! That’s it! Once more, and I will turn this blog around. No rollercoasters, no funnelcakes, no watching slaves getting fed to lions, do you hear me?
Eli: Why me?
Answertron 3042: According to one popular theory in modern physics, there are an infinite number of possible universes in existence. Hence, in a smaller, but still infinite number, there are an infinite number of Elis all asking “Why me?”2 If you got this infinite number of Elis in a room together (yes, it would be a big room) and gave them an infinite amount of time with an infinite number of typewriters, a lot of Elis would probably get pretty stained with all that ink. Other Elis would form a free-market economy, using the typewriters as a currency, while still others3 would use the typewriters as crude weapons, vying for brute-force dominance of the infinite Eliverse…
In other words, um, I dunno.
Stuart: What’s the best place to store nuclear weapons around the house so the kids don’t get into them?
Answertron 3042: Nebraska.
Stuart: Can white men sing the blues?
Answertron 3042: Yes, if you upset them enough. Try telling them that their pimped-out Escalade doesn’t make them look ‘ghetto.’ Or drill a hole in one of their yachts. Or remind them that they are just cogs in a consumer-driven, laissez-faire free-market economy, where while nothing’s truly free, value is placed on nothing, resulting in overindulgence in their drab and meaningless existences in a vain attempt to ignore the desperate ennui slowly sapping all life from their bones. Then kick them in the groin really hard. That should work.
Stuart: Can blue men sing the whites?
Answertron 3042: Only in Canada. You sicko.
Stuart: What is the circumference of Rosie O’Donnell?
Answertron 3042: Three Olsen twins.
Stuart: If a woodchuck would chuck as much as it could chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood, doesn’t the woodchuck have a pretty boring existence?
Answertron 3042: Who are you to judge the woodchuck community? They have had many great contributions to society, including the invention of sporks, the concept of irony, and vocal intonations indicating the end of a thought. (Before woodchucks, people would poilitely wait for a few seconds of silence before replying in a conversation. Dramatic pauses were dreadfully difficult, and a episode of West Wing would take 3 hours, at which point the actors would all collapse from exhaustion from all that walking and talking.4)
Stuart: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie roll center of Tara Reid’s brain?
Answertron 3042: Now you’re just being plain mean. ::crosses robotic arms:: That’s it. I refuse to answer. Now go to your room, Stuart, and think about what you’ve done.
Reb Chaim: Here’s a question for you: The Torah says that during the Exodus the Jews did not have enough time for their bread to leaven, so they ate unleavened breads, which is why there is an obligation to eat Maztah on Pesach. However, let’s say they had enough time for their bread to rise, they still would not have eaten leavened bread because it’s Chametz and it was Pesach, so why do we need the reason that they had no time for the bread to rise, just say they didn’t eat leavened bread because it was Pesach?
Answertron 3042: So the children would ask. No, seriously – both happened, and there are two different aspects to matzah, each part of a (somewhat ) separate holiday that starts on the 15th of Nissan.
Lauren: What is wrong with the Thursday question thing?
Answertron 3042: I am now in fully functioning order, ma’am, and I suggest you be more sensitive in the future. How would you feel if someone asked you what was wrong with you, then you went and told the teacher and the other kids heard and didn’t let you play with the nice red ball and you got stuck with the stupid blue ball and you could only play with Harold, the kid with all the food allergies and the inhaler, but who needs those other kids anyway and no, I’m not crying. I just have a cold.
Lauren: And how serious are the Thursday questions allowed to be?
Answertron 3042: As serious as you want. Mind you, I won’t necessarily answer serious questions seriously. I might even answer them ironically.
Lauren: Is it too late to submit a question?
Answertron 3042: Can’t…. continue…. questions too…. meta…. ::Answertron 3042 explodes, leaving pieces all over cyberspace.::5
- We are going to deliver all answers using the new, high-tech Answertron 3042, to expedite the answering process, and because robots are freakin’ awesome.^
- Some of those Elis have tentacles.^
- Probably including the tentacled Elis.^
- Plus, William Shatner couldn’t get a word in edgewise, but I’m not saying that was a bad thing.^
- Lauren, you owe me a new question-answering robot. And chocolate. I want chocolate.^