Archive for the 'Animals' Category


Conversations, Part 2

So I seem to get weirder when I get more tired. I finally got my American (VOIP) phone line working at something like 1 or 2 in the morning, so I called some friends to let them know. After all, for $200 / 15 months, it’s free to call anywhere in the U.S. (Nice, eh?) So I called my friend R, and we had this conversation:

[Phone rings.]

Me: Hey.

R: Who is this? Jesus?

Me: [Hesitating] Yes.

I have a mission for you. Go out and buy lots of flamingoes. Buy all the flamingoes. Form a flamingo army.

Tie them to your waist, and [dramatic pause] fly, fly, fly.

Fill the sky with pink.

R: What???

Me: I don’t know. You said I was Jesus.

R: Yeah, but- what??

Me: Never mind.


I seem to have some of my more interesting conversations online.
Take this one, from today. I was complaining about not getting enough sleep to my friend Eli:

Eli: may i suggest a method?

set an alarm for when u want to go to sleep…

me: And train a monkey with a tire iron to knock me out when he hears the alarm?

Eli: and treat it like the wake up alarm


yeah, that might work

me: Been there, buddy.

Eli: ah


i never knew u had a pet monkey, though

that’s pretty cool

me: Well, I don’t have one anymore!

The migraines were unbearable. And there was that incident with the guest.

Kitten Leasing

So, on a scale of 1 to disturbing, should I be scared by the fact that the email indicated in this screenshot is not spam, but rather, sent by a close friend?

My life is…different than other people’s.

Puppies, Anyone?

Recently, I was discussing gifts with my parents. Often, when someone comes to our house for the weekend, they’ll bring wine, or flowers, or maybe some sort of chocolates or pastries. But I think that people limit their imaginations too much. How about bringing a puppy? Think about it for a minute. If you were to receive a puppy as a gift from a guest, what would you do? You couldn’t refuse it, as that would be rude. Nor could you simply give it away. I mean, the guest would notice the next time you visited if you lacked the dog. And throwing the dog out is simply out of the question. Yeah, so invite me over sometime. You never know!

Fun With Pouches

Do you know what happens when you try to cross a duck-billed platypus and a kangaroo?

(Pause for effect.)

Nothing but a couple of infuriated marsupials and severe internal bleeding.
I would recommend just gluing a duckbill onto the kangaroo and calling it a day. I hope this teaches as all an important lesson: namely, that “The Infuriated Marsupials” would make an awesome band name. Probably a heavy metal klezmer band, or something.

(Oh, and yes, the band-name line was a shameless Dave Barry reference. Whatcha gonna do about it?)

Stanford Favorite & Damn Communist Space Dogs

I know, I know. A new post was long overdue. So sue me. Not for real.

I suppose I should break this into two posts, but I doubt that most people will realize that there are two new ones at once. So, first is this: My brother Noam is a grad student in English literature at Stanford University, and somehow, he finds me funny. So he showed a post or two to his friends out in Palo Alto, CA. He recently told me:

Noam: everyone i know loved the albert thing
Noam: the english department at stanford university now acknowledges you as one of the funniest people they’ve ever read

(These are direct quotes, with only his screenname changed to protect him from stalkers and the Mafia.)

So while I’m not sure what this says about the impending downfall of Western civilization, it does give me a huge ego trip. And when you come right down to it, that’s what really matters, right?

And here’s post number two:

I would like to share a brief snippet of my oh-so-interesting life with you lesser mortals. I hope you can handle it. A couple nights ago, I was talking to my roommate Elie about, um, I actually think it was interior design. Anyway, the conversation went, more or less, like this:

ME: We should put up paper on the walls so we can write on them.

ELIE: No. It’s a good idea in theory, but it won’t work. Like Communism.

ME: Well, Communism had eighty years before it failed. Can’t you give this a chance, too?

ELIE: Communism had eighty years, and look at what happened!

ME: What do you mean? They sent a dog into space. That’s one less dog we have to worry about here.

ELIE: I don’t like dogs either, but-

ME: Then again, if the space dogs come back and attack, it might be bad. So we aren’t putting up the paper, then?

ELIE: Damn Communist space dogs.

Rambling On

Hello world.
Last year I wrote a couple of pieces for the Cornell Lunatic, the humor magazine here. I thought I might share one that I found funny.

The Ramblings Of A Disgruntled Freshman

by ilan

I think my roommate is a cannibal. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Some of my best acquaintances are cannibals. (They have a club and meet in my basement on alternate Wednesday nights.) It’s just that he keeps looking at me funny and licking his lips. Those looks make me sort of uncomfortable and funny inside. It’s like he’s dissecting me with his eyes. I’ve tried dropping subtle hints, like “seeing as how I’m so skinny, it wouldn’t really be worthwhile to kill me, even with an extra-sharp knife like the one on your wall,” and “I once tried eating my flesh, and it doesn’t taste good,” and “Jeffrey, please don’t eat me.” However, I don’t think he’s getting the hint, seeing as how he has a large, bubbling cauldron in the room. I think that’s against the House Rules.
I thought of talking to my RA, but he freaks me out a little as well. When my parents were helping me move in, he was really nice. One thing he said bothered me, though: “I’m sure your offspring will have minimal difficulties integrating into the larger Jameson Family Commune Unit.” Back where I come from, they call someone like him a “Canadian,” and take him out to the pillory in the town square to be pelted with rotten fruits and/or vegetables. Anyway, he got really weird only after my parents left. They walked out, and a minute later, I was on the floor, in chains. For what seemed like days, I was subjected to a horrifying series of tortures involving fire, needles, ferrets, Spam, Tae-Bo, and Kevin Costner’s Waterworld. I’ve recovered since then, and despite the rough start, I kind of like my RA. He’s got that whole Stalin-chic thing going for him.
My advisor’s nice, I think. I haven’t seen her much, except brief glances when she was ducking behind a wall or rushing into her office. I have a hint of a notion that I should consider thinking that she might be avoiding me. Maybe I came on too strong when I asked for advice. In all fairness, she didn’t specify that our questions can’t be of a medical nature.

After much deep contemplation, I have come to the conclusion that acapella is a crime against humanity.

I’m getting used to the bureaucratic maze they’ve created for us. I wanted to drop my PE course (Intro to Telekinesis) because of a schedule conflict. I went to the University Registrar in Day Hall, who promptly sent me to the Engineering Registrar in Olin. The Engineering Registrar sent me to the PE offices in Teagle Hall, who sent me back to Day. They sent me to Wegman’s, to pick up a box of cupcakes, then to Olin again. Olin sent me back to Day, who sent me to Haackenweiler Hall. A few hours later, I realized Haackenweiler doesn’t exist and returned to Day, to find the secretaries snickering. They sent me to some guy named Gus in the basement of Bailey Hall. Gus and I sat down to a nice home-cooked meal (try his fish soufflé!) and he sent me to Olin. The nice folks at Olin, after much…persuasion, agreed to gracefully allow me to fill out the proper forms. So, after filling out an Add/Drop form, an insurance form, an I9 form, a W4 form, a 401(k) form, and a 5th grade spelling test, I was on my way to get my advisor’s signature. I caught her easily, as she jumped down an elevator shaft. (Word to the wise – a cleverly placed bear trap can be a tremendous time-saver.) She signed my form, and I happily returned to Olin. Upon arriving there, I discovered that the secretaries had been replaced with three monkeys (two howler monkeys and one lemur). I swatted the lemur out of the way and entered my registration info into the computer myself. While I was at it, I enrolled the two howler monkeys in Advanced Particle Physics, and the lemur in Textiles and Apparel. I’ll let the wonderful people at Olin sort that one out. [Score: Ilan: 1, Big Red Tape: 0]
Overall, I guess my complaints aren’t so bad. Beginnings are always difficult, if not life-threatening. Maybe I should try going to some classes, or at least shower once a week. So if you’re in the area, stop by my room. If I’m not there, I’m sure my roommate will invite you in for dinner.