Listen Up

So a few days ago, I posted an audio post, expecting accolades, pats on the back, and a possible Presidential Medal. But alas, I forgot that few people read this, fewer would be willing to sit and listen to 5 minutes of me prattling about waffles and Monopoly and how every male citizen of the Republic of Tonga has a crush on the same girl from Liechtenstein (a country whose primary claim to fame is that they are the largest exporter of false teeth – no joke!), and even fewer would be so bold or generous as to actually post a comment or give me a backrub. No, I’m here, commentless and with an aching back.

But I decided to invesigate why I had gotten no real response. I realized that though more people than usual had visited my site – likely due to the actual presence of a new post, of all things. But I don’t think people actually bothered to listen to my audiopost because – get this – it was pretty boring. You had to wait till the middle just to get to anything halfway entertaining. I think maybe if I try another time, I should start with a song and dance. Well, you’d only hear the song, but the dance would be hella cool, I assure you.

So it seems that instead of actually posting, I posted about how I should post. In other words, I blogged about blogging. It is a well-known fact that bloggers love blogging about nothing more than themselves, the narcissistic ingrates.

Note to self: a fun side project/post-modern digital perfomance art: make a blog whose every entry is about why I’m blogging, how I should stop blogging, that I’m thinking about stopping blogging, why people blog in general, or why the sitcom Becker was never really given a fair chance. Find a way to make ridicuous amounts of cash money off of this blog – enough to purchase Gary Coleman, or at least rent him once a month.

In the meantime, I leave you with an excerpt from my in-progress novel, Limestone:

Mac woke up and instantly regretted it. He concluded that waking up would just be the first of a series of bad moves that day. He had no clue just how right he was. He rolled sideways and off of the bed. He realized it was not a bed, but a couch. Craig’s couch. He was in Craig’s apartment, he decided, as that was the standard location for Craig’s couch. The word apartment seemed to hold some special importance. He wasn’t sure why. Finally pushing himself up to his feet, Mac decided it was as good a time as any to open his eyes, and tried to. Succeeding on the third try, he discovered that the normally level ground was writhing and twisting like a python, or like he imagined a python might, were it a hardwood floor with furniture on it. He realized that his stomach was trying to tell him something, something urgent. He ran to the bathroom and vomited with gusto. Deciding that he had had such a good time of it the first time, he vomited again.

Vomit jokes. Will they ever get old? No. No they won’t.

6 Responses to “Listen Up”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Hey,nice blog!!! I found a place where you can make an extra $800 or more a month. I do it part time and make a lot more than that. It is definitely worth a visit! You can do it in your spare time and make good cash. Make Extra Cash

  2. Stuart says:

    Hey! I was gonna spam him. Damn you, anonymous!

  3. Eliyak says:

    Anonymous, is this offer open to the public, or just to the incredible and superfluous Ilan? If so, can I also send you my credit card and social security numbers while making these oodles of cash you speak of? I don’t trust the internet, so I’ll just email you my home address where we can discuss this exciting transaction.

    By the way, here’s a great site where you can waste lots of time reading about people who scam scammers: http://www.419eater.com/.

  4. Maric says:

    You’re weird. I am much comforted by the fact that you were clearly not talking about me at all. Really.

    For reference though, reading vs. hearing, especially for us speedreaders, is far preferred when we’re contemplating spending an inordinately long five minutes (and continuing) listening to you prattle on. It allows us to skim and ignore, rather than spend time actually paying attention to what you wish us to be aware of according to your pace.

    Oh, nice. Liked it.

  5. Anonymous says:

    “woke up & immediately regretted it”

    am I hearing shades of douglas adams?

    -Yashka

  6. ilan says:

    Guilty as charged, I suppose.
    I hope it’s only shades of him you’re hearing.

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