Ok. The natives are restless, and I’m out of excuses. The largest complaint (as measured in square feet) I get about this site is lack of regular updates. So I’m going to try this: In addition to any extra posts I want to add, every Sunday or Monday, I intend to provide you, Dear Readers, with an update the likes of which the world has never seen. I intend to make one more drastic change in the future, namely moving to another site, but I have to add stuff and fiddle with the HTML before I can do that. For now, it’s just the weekly update. So, here it goes:
My roommate thinks he’s a pirate. No, not a software or music pirate, but the kind that plunder on the high seas, sing about rum and dead men’s chests, and wear far too much eye makeup. I’m not quite sure whether it’s a delusion or an aspiration, but either way, there’s reason to show concern. I’m not making this stuff up. He goes around singin pirate sings, and enjoys everything pirate-related, except (hopefully) the whole keelhauling bit. (What is keelhauling, anyway? It’s doubtless unpleasant, much like drawing and quartering, thrawing, or garroting, but how does one keelhaul, exactly?) Despite our best efforts to convince him otherwise, he has maintained this position.
College students. Can’t with ’em, and….
….that’s all I’ve got.
So it was his birthday two days ago, and a mutual friend and I went to Walmart to find him a gift or two. We asked the guy at the front of the store where the pirate section was. Honestly. I kept a straight face, while he struggled to understand what we asking for. Walking away, towards the toy section, I laughed about this. Then I realized that we were making the life of a hardworking, honest American more difficult with our childish joke.
Then I laughed again. (I’m going to hell, aren’t I?) To make a long story short, we got him a pirate balloon, a plastic pirate sword, a copy of “Muppet Treasure Island,” an ice cream cake, a flask, a cup with the words “Drink. Pee. Repeat.” on it (that one wasn’t my idea, and due to a misreading, we discovered the concept is worsened when you take out the first period from that line), a Nerf-like missile launcher, and an axe, with a sharpener, and we wrapped them in My Little Pony wrapping paper. Let me clarify. The first two weapons are meant as toys, and are relatively harmless, but this was a real camping axe, about a foot and a half long. In case you were wondering, we got him the pirate stuff because of the whole pirate thing, the flask and cup because he’s into bartending, and the axe because he like camping. Looking at his presents, you’d think that he was a drunk outdoorsman-pirate who likes ice cream, balloons, and My Little Pony. Man, is he messed up.
In any case, I’m not sure what I was thinking. I actually bought my roommate who thinks he’s a pirate a real axe, with real and present lodging-in-my-head potential. If this is my last post, please let it be known that I leave my life savings to the Time Cube guy, my stereo to the Flat Earth Society (I hear they throw wicked parties!), and my toenail collection to science. Let it be known, or I’ll keelhaul ya. Just as soon as I figure out how.