bits of ink

Have you ever considered bagel nomenclature?
Well, have you?
I have. Multiple times, in fact.
And, in the process (after 33 or so orange popsicles), I came to some fascinating observations. First of all, other than your standard or “plain” bagel, you usually have your four or so standard types:

1. The onion bagel, which has onions on it.
2. The poppyseed bagel, which has poppyseeds on it.
3. The sesame seed bagel, which has sesame seeds on it.
4. The “everything” bagel, which has just onions, poppyseeds, and sesame seeds on it.

Don’t you think that last one should have….well, everything on it? I mean, not just seeds and onions, but also ground beef, a pack of angry bees, and the Queen of England? In fact, as my brother pointed out, if there were a correctly named everything bagel, there could only be one, since it would have everything in it.

And now for the philosophically-oriented part:
Our universe is big. Really, startlingly, mind-bogglingly big. But many scientists don’t believe it is infinitely large. And as such, the universe has a shape, or topology, as the mathemeticians and physicists would have it. So what shape is the universe, you ask? Well, one popular theory has it shaped like a single torus, which is shaped like a tire, or a donut…or a bagel.

Yes, my friends. The universe we live in may very well be one big “everything bagel.”

Oh, boy. I should’ve proabably stopped at my 32nd popsicle.

Recently, I was discussing gifts with my parents. Often, when someone comes to our house for the weekend, they’ll bring wine, or flowers, or maybe some sort of chocolates or pastries. But I think that people limit their imaginations too much. How about bringing a puppy? Think about it for a minute. If you were to receive a puppy as a gift from a guest, what would you do? You couldn’t refuse it, as that would be rude. Nor could you simply give it away. I mean, the guest would notice the next time you visited if you lacked the dog. And throwing the dog out is simply out of the question. Yeah, so invite me over sometime. You never know!

Update: Yes, I know the link is broken. Sorry. Maybe I’ll upload an old copy to Google Docs.

Oh, right.
I neglected to post this a few weeks ago, when I finished it, but here’s a story I wrote. You may find it funny. You may find it enjoyable. You may find it tasty. If you are in this last category, please stay away. You scare me.

Tell Your Friends
Tell me what you think.
(Oh, and yes, I know that the beginning was mostly ripped from Leading the Blind. But I’m allowed to plagiarize from myself, so you can take your protests and…do something sufficiently nasty with them, probably involving acts illegal in at least 32 of the 50 United States.)

Hello all. I haven’t posted lately because I’ve been busy/ignoring you/trying to take over the world, or at least my roommate’s half of the room. So there.

But I have been doing some other literary work.

You guessed it – I’ve been filling out comment cards at the local kosher dining hall (it’s called 104 West!¹) in order to make this a better and more amusing world, for me at least. I now present to you a few of my more beloved comments:

Can you please use Duncan Hines’ brownie mix for making your brownies? I may renounce Judaism if you do not.

Please stop putting nuts in your cookies! I have a severe fear of nuts and toddlers.

I’m lonely. Can 104 West! (formerly Kosher Dining Hall) provide me with a friend? Can I have a (preferrably magical) pony?

Can you please provide decaf tea OR give me control of an underappreciated third-world country? (Not one of the landlocked ones, please.)

Ok, that’s it. I’m out like the soap.

1. Yes, the exclamation mark is part of the name, and presumably, one mentioning the name of this institution must properly inflect the words to show excitement or exclamation. It can cause confusion when depression and hunger coincide. For example:
   PERSON 1: Hey Bob! How’s it going?
   BOB: Hello, Person 1. It’s going poorly. My cat just got run over my the tow truck that was towing away my uninsured car that sponatneously crashed into a tree while I was in bed, having cried myself to sleep upon being dumped by my girlfriend.
   PERSON 1: Oh, bummer.
   BOB: Yeah. I’m going to kill myself now. First, maybe I’ll grab a bite to eat at 104 West!
   PERSON 1: That’s the spirit!^