Because We All Need Mitigation, Sometimes

For once, a true story. Yesterday I went outside my house to find a van with the words “Radon Mitigation” written on it. I probably ought to have just gone back to my room, assumed the fetal position and whimpered in my bed till I fell asleep, but, you see, this didn’t strike me as that unusual. At lunch, I was talking to a friend, and he explained why. We always have these random guys walking around, testing, poking, prodding, fixing – who knows. It’s not clear that anyone calls them or anything. They just kind of show up and do stuff. Like mitigate radon. Like a radon mitigation fairy, only you don’t need to lose a tooth to get a nice, new, shiny non-life-threatening environment. I think any guy with overalls could just walk into my house and start playing with wires, power tools, rocket launchers – whatever – and no one would pay him no never mind. Definitely not if he also has a clipboard. But who calls them? Likely our housekeeper, or the house manager, right? That’s what we thought. But as my friend pointed out, what would prompt them to call a radon mitigation man? Were they hanging out in the basement, chewing the fat, joking around, when all of a sudden they noticed something in the corner, and exclaimed, “Whoa, that radon looks like it needs mitigating, ASAP!” ?
I guess some of life’s mysteries are best left as mysteries.

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