Last year I wrote a couple of pieces for the Cornell Lunatic, the humor magazine here. I thought I might share one that I found funny.
The Ramblings Of A Disgruntled Freshman
I think my roommate is a cannibal. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Some of my best acquaintances are cannibals. (They have a club and meet in my basement on alternate Wednesday nights.) It’s just that he keeps looking at me funny and licking his lips. Those looks make me sort of uncomfortable and funny inside. It’s like he’s dissecting me with his eyes. I’ve tried dropping subtle hints, like “seeing as how I’m so skinny, it wouldn’t really be worthwhile to kill me, even with an extra-sharp knife like the one on your wall,” and “I once tried eating my flesh, and it doesn’t taste good,” and “Jeffrey, please don’t eat me.” However, I don’t think he’s getting the hint, seeing as how he has a large, bubbling cauldron in the room. I think that’s against the House Rules.
I thought of talking to my RA, but he freaks me out a little as well. When my parents were helping me move in, he was really nice. One thing he said bothered me, though: “I’m sure your offspring will have minimal difficulties integrating into the larger Jameson Family Commune Unit.” Back where I come from, they call someone like him a “Canadian,” and take him out to the pillory in the town square to be pelted with rotten fruits and/or vegetables. Anyway, he got really weird only after my parents left. They walked out, and a minute later, I was on the floor, in chains. For what seemed like days, I was subjected to a horrifying series of tortures involving fire, needles, ferrets, Spam, Tae-Bo, and Kevin Costner’s Waterworld. I’ve recovered since then, and despite the rough start, I kind of like my RA. He’s got that whole Stalin-chic thing going for him.
My advisor’s nice, I think. I haven’t seen her much, except brief glances when she was ducking behind a wall or rushing into her office. I have a hint of a notion that I should consider thinking that she might be avoiding me. Maybe I came on too strong when I asked for advice. In all fairness, she didn’t specify that our questions can’t be of a medical nature.
After much deep contemplation, I have come to the conclusion that acapella is a crime against humanity.
I’m getting used to the bureaucratic maze they’ve created for us. I wanted to drop my PE course (Intro to Telekinesis) because of a schedule conflict. I went to the University Registrar in Day Hall, who promptly sent me to the Engineering Registrar in Olin. The Engineering Registrar sent me to the PE offices in Teagle Hall, who sent me back to Day. They sent me to Wegman’s, to pick up a box of cupcakes, then to Olin again. Olin sent me back to Day, who sent me to Haackenweiler Hall. A few hours later, I realized Haackenweiler doesn’t exist and returned to Day, to find the secretaries snickering. They sent me to some guy named Gus in the basement of Bailey Hall. Gus and I sat down to a nice home-cooked meal (try his fish soufflé!) and he sent me to Olin. The nice folks at Olin, after much…persuasion, agreed to gracefully allow me to fill out the proper forms. So, after filling out an Add/Drop form, an insurance form, an I9 form, a W4 form, a 401(k) form, and a 5th grade spelling test, I was on my way to get my advisor’s signature. I caught her easily, as she jumped down an elevator shaft. (Word to the wise – a cleverly placed bear trap can be a tremendous time-saver.) She signed my form, and I happily returned to Olin. Upon arriving there, I discovered that the secretaries had been replaced with three monkeys (two howler monkeys and one lemur). I swatted the lemur out of the way and entered my registration info into the computer myself. While I was at it, I enrolled the two howler monkeys in Advanced Particle Physics, and the lemur in Textiles and Apparel. I’ll let the wonderful people at Olin sort that one out. [Score: Ilan: 1, Big Red Tape: 0]
Overall, I guess my complaints aren’t so bad. Beginnings are always difficult, if not life-threatening. Maybe I should try going to some classes, or at least shower once a week. So if you’re in the area, stop by my room. If I’m not there, I’m sure my roommate will invite you in for dinner.