Archive for September, 2003


Picture This

In the spirit of the New Year, I’ve decided to do some things I ought to have done a while ago, like my homework, studying, learning, showering, and staring at trees until they back down. You know, the usual.

I figured I’d show you some less well-known emoticons:

¿(‘o’)¿ = A person who’s sad, ’cause her earrings are larger than her head.

<(‘-‘)> = A person doing pushups, to work off steam, ’cause his girlfriend just dumped him, and it really wasn’t fair, since he didn’t forget her birthday, but for personal reasons, he doesn’t recognize the birthdays of people with an “x” in their names, and she should respect that, but noooooo, she has to walk out yelling something about not using her cat for batting practice and storing his toenails in the glove compartment. Women. Ah, well, more pushups.

(%5$)\/ = a doggy. (Squint a little, and you’ll see it. Maybe have a stiff drink first, THEN you’ll see it.)

And I’m spent.

Alarm Clocks Are For Losers

I’m a little tired today.

I’ve noticed that when you don’t sleep for a while, you start seeing things – like beds, and pillows, and beds with pillows in them. Then you see your clock telling you it’s the wrong time (sometimes you can really HEAR it telling you, if you stay up long enough!), then you see the clock on the floor broken. It serves it right for telling you the wrong time. That’s right, go back to bed, little one, the mean clock doesn’t REALLY have psychokinetic powers. Then you see people yelling at you that you slept on their floor and left a big puddle of drool on the floor. You try to blame the pink squirrels that are swooping down from the ceiling, but they just keep hitting you with their fists and potato peelers. They hurt. You see more things. You see blood, blood everywhere, and so many people have papercuts, and you see a piece of paper in your hand. You see it has “Don’t forget to pick up canned peaches” written on it. And now more people are yelling at you, but you tell them it was Horace or Chimba (yeah – we’ll get to Chimba later, I promise) but to no avail. You see gravity reverse itself, and you end up on the ceiling. You see a bed on the ceiling. You see pillows. You see an unusually hairy Keanu Reeves near the bed, but you don’t care. Chimba will take care of him. You see the insides of your eyelids again, and then more darkness, then maybe some crocodiles in tutus, then darkness again.

That’s what you see when you stay up too late. That and toasters. Yummy, yummy toasters.

Hangnails and Wombats

Yes, once again, I stayed up till an ungodly hour – or at least one less godly than when I should’ve gone to sleep – for no justifiable reason. Viscious cycles are like that: they start off fine – enjoyable even – then there’s the whole downward spiral thing, and that’s a real bummer. Kinda like hangnails.

So I’m not so happy with myself right now. Then again, maybe I ought not to blame myself. It WAS partially due to the advice of this little talking wombat that’s running around my room, who sometimes tells me to do things. His name is Horace. He smells funny.

P.S. Also, he says he can do backflips, but I’ve never seen him do it. I think he’s lying. Wombats always lie. Stupid wombats.

All Beginnings Are Hard

Ok, so I think I’m supposed to start this way:

Hi! My name’s Ilan, and I started this blog to show you just how truly awesome I am. In fact I am so awesome, I sometimes forget to breathe from the sheer exilhirating joy of being just so cool. Wow, I’m great. So now you can read about my life, which is, of course better than yours. After all, I am better looking than you – yeah, I know about that unsightly mole. You should really get that removed. Also, I have SO much more money than you – I own three cars, a yacht, and Paraguay. Also, I am WAY smarter than you – you can even see the “smart waves” (that’s a laymen’s term for you simpletons) coming out of my head. They look like this: ~~~. Did I mention that the laws of physics don’t always apply to me? Yeah, I’m that great. So, basically, in addition to being an all-around amazingly wonderful and swell guy, I am also generous. Therefore, I have chosen to share some miniscule iotas of my vast knowledge and wisdom with lesser mortals like yourself. But first, take care of that mole. Really.